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A Book Review: The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!” Nancy Jensen and Nathan P. Swink, Ph.D

23 Tuesday Aug 2016

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The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!” is a book about a woman who traveled a long road from being an emotionally abused and physically abused child, to being a mental health consumer who had mental health treatment in both inpatient and outpatient settings, and residential group home placements, and who ended up as an advocate for consumers of mental health services. These consumers needed someone to speak for them and tell society of their needs, thoughts, and emotions while navigating the mental health system. Nancy stepped forward and was determined to be a voice for herself and the other consumers.

This book tells the story, from Nancy Jensen’s  perspective, of her life and the events that led up to her becoming an advocate for those with mental health issues. She describes her childhood and the influences of religion, abuse, family, school, and medical problems which shaped her as an adult.

Nancy had a speech impediment that affected her self-esteem, and her mother struggled with accepting her as she was. She was emotionally and sexually abused in her family as a child. Nancy suffered with severe depression which followed her most of her life.

Nancy moved into a communal house in Newton, Ks. after she found a job and left home. She moved back and forth between Kansas and Colorado many times, had multiple jobs, had problems in relationships, and then decided to live at the Kaufman House in Newton, Ks. The Director of the treatment facility was Arlan Kaufman, a Clinical Social Worker. Linda Kaufman, an R.N., worked with him. It was a residential facility for people who had mental health issues. Nancy said she experienced abuse there. She later stepped forward and told others what had happened, but no one did anything. She ended up hospitalized. She felt no one was listening to her. The book goes on to describe more hospitalizations, multiple marriages, having a child, and her continuing struggle with depression.

Many years later, she heard Arlan Kaufman and his wife, Linda, had been arrested for fraud, enslaving residents, and other types of abuse at the Kaufman House. There was a court trial at which Nancy gave testimony. The Kaufman’s were convicted and sent to prison.

Nancy went on with her life, and became involved in helping  legislation get passed in Kansas that would require Social and Rehabilitation Services to report complaints of abuse, or exploitation. If problems arose, an oversight office would follow through with it. Nancy became a Certified Peer Specialist, and she worked at the Center for Community Support and Research at Wichita State University. She collaborated with Nathan Swink, Ph.D. in Community Psychology, who helped her write her story.

This is a book which shows how depression can affect an individual’s life, but it also shows what hard work, appropriate treatment, determination, and good support systems can achieve in helping mental health consumers meet goals in life and become productive members in society. All it takes is one person reaching out to help another.

Yu/stan/kema

—————————————————————————————————                 Jensen, Nancy; and Swink, Ph.D., Nathan P. 2013. The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!”  Middletown, DE. Made in the USA.

Dancing Of The Parts.

07 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Photos, Poetry, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

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The “Manager” sits in the driver’s seat

Enjoying the power she has.

Her goal is to get the work done.                         

There’s no need for pizzazz.

Unappreciated in her role,

She’s too exhausted for fun.

Failing to nurture her weary  soul,

Her shoulders carry a ton.

 

Found on Pinterest on 5-21-16. Dan Ashbach. Uncompahgre National Forest, Colorado.

Found on Pinterest on 5-21-16. Dan Ashbach. Uncompahgre National Forest, Colorado.

The “Self” needs to take control,

Organize the others  well.

But pain caused her to retreat.

She fails to act and tell

The upset parts to take a seat,

 To  listen to every one’s needs,

And  find a good solution.

Her job was to plant the seeds.

 

The “Protector” keeps the others safe,

And adapts to a changing world.

He is on constant alert;

Deflects any dangers hurled.

He appears when others are scared.

He comes to their stanch defense. 

He supports the parts who  hurt.

When needed, he’ll build a fence.

 

The “Critic” keeps the parts in line,

And wants acceptance for all.

She adheres to community rules;

And wants to belong, stand tall.

If carried away by her need to belong,

She can say hurtful things.

Children are hurt the most,

By  pain that criticism brings.

 

When pain becomes too great,                             

Found on G+ on 4-29-16. Rick Schwartz. Below Rainbow Falls.

Found on G+ on 4-29-16.
Rick Schwartz. Below Rainbow Falls.

Or discomfort is brought

By all of the parts involved,

The “Distractor”comes in,

With relief that is sought,

And parts are distracted within.

If avoidance is used too much,

The problems won’t get resolved.

 

“Child Parts” know of rejection.

 They want attention and praise.

They vie for consideration.

They fear people won’t stay.

They love special  occasions.

 Birthdays rank high on their list.

They carry so much sorrow.

They only want to be missed. 

 

The “Self” needs to take center, 

And conduct all of the parts,

By giving nurturing and guidance,

To those with conflicted hearts.

She leads with gentle persuasion,

And  models acceptance for each.

She’s full of compassion and caring,

She enables the others to reach.

Yu/stan/kema

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review: “Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life.” Tom Holmes, Ph.D With Lauri Holmes, MSW.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by in Article., Books, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

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Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life is a fascinating book that illustrates the work done in Internal Family Systems Therapy. The Parts Model combines the IFS Model of therapy with the teachings of a Buddhist teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh. Tom Holmes, with Lauri Holmes integrate a client’s ideal of spirituality into psychotherapy using the Parts Work Model. Sharon Eckstein, MFA illustrates this model with illustrations that are eye-catching and entertaining. The book can be read easily by professionals and clients.

Tom and Lauri Holmes write that we all have different parts that exist within us that are shifting states of mind. Each part can contain a set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur often in a pattern. These parts can be less defined or more defined in an individual. When trauma occurs, it tends to develop more strongly defined parts. Tom also states that a state of mind called “Self ” exists in an individual. A skilled therapist trained in the Parts Work Model can teach the ” Self  to take charge of the energy of these different mind sets within an individual so that a more balanced and effective life can be achieved. This is the goal of Parts Work.

Tom believes that severe trauma can cause certain parts to split off from consciousness and out of awareness of other parts and act independently, therefore creating an imbalance in how the individual functions in life. The goal of Parts Work, according to Tom Holmes, Ph.D is to get the ” Self” to help all the parts get to know each other, understand each other, and work together for the common good. The ” Self ” comes to the Center and acts as a conductor, bringing out the best in each of the parts to bring harmony and balance to the individual’s psychological system. Through understanding, integrating, and accepting all parts, harmony can occur. The “Self ” is able to transform the system. The “Self” becomes centered within. Some call it ” Wise Mind ” or “Mindfulness.”

The “Self ”  observes the different parts, works on the parts to accept each other, organizes the system, and creates a positive environment where negotiation, compromises, and goals can be worked out so the psychological system operates at maximum effectiveness over time. Sharon Eckstein illustrates the mind as a circle. The top part is consciousness and the bottom half is the unconscious where all the parts hang out. The top part of the circle is like a living room where hopefully the “Self” sits. Any part can show up spontaneously or the “Self” can invite any part that wants or needs to come to the living room to talk or even listen. That’s where Internal Family Systems Therapy is done with who ever is present.

This book is well worth the read. The pictures do a good job of showing how the Parts Work Model  is done.

Yu/stan/kema

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Holmes,Ph.D,Tom; Holmes,MSW, Lauri;  and  Eckstein, MFA, Sharon. 2007.  Parts Work : An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life. Highpointe Dr. Kalamazoo, MI 49008. Winged Heart Press.                  .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review (continued), Part Three. “The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.”

14 Monday Dec 2015

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In his book, Dr. Carnes discusses five realities about trauma bonds: Trauma bonds have multiple coping styles alongside them; Trauma bonds can be a life-long pattern of relating to others; Trauma bonds are durable and can last forever; They can happen to any one; and Trauma bonds are not always bad, but they are about survival.

He states that in betrayals there is a promise to fix, to heal, to resolve, or to make up for what has happened. He lists five main ways promises are used to betray others. Dr. Carnes discusses eleven ways betrayal bonds are made stronger. This is a very interesting section of the book.

He writes that in addictive relationships, for most people, there was an original trauma that occurred. Compulsive behaviors often began after the original trauma, such as compulsive masturbation, or compulsive care-taking of the abuser to keep his emotions controlled, and to lower the survivor’s anxiety. Reality was distorted and trauma solutions were used in such a way to keep the relationship going.

Dr Carnes writes that to get well, the survivor has to gain insight into how he got into such a relationship,  and identify the triggers or characteristics the betrayer had that caused him to bond in the first place, even pin-pointing the original trauma. The survivor has to look at the trauma solutions he is currently using and ask himself if they are causing more problems and chaos in his life than being helpful. He has to focus on the immediate source of the chaos. When the survivor stops using the trauma solutions that are no longer working for him, the denial and repression fade away. He is able to see reality as it really exists instead of what he hopes it will one day become if he works hard enough to make it happen. The true reality becomes frightening to him. He becomes aware how  high the cost has been to stay in the relationship. He begins to look at the possibility of leaving it and what losses that will entail. This becomes the beginning of the grief process. He no longer has the old strategies to cope with the loss and pain. His relationship has been bound in secrecy, shame, and betrayal. He has carried it on his back alone.

Anger will enable him to destroy the secrecy and dissolve his loyalty to the betrayer. Opening up, becoming honest about the relationship, revealing the shame inherent in it, to a therapist or a support group can help expose the relationship for what it really is.

Dr. Carnes describes in great detail how to break free of the betrayal bond. He offers several tools in his book for helping someone who wants to break free. He takes one through the recovery process step by step. The survivor will be able to recognize compulsive patterns he is using, pinpoint the trauma solutions he needs to avoid, evaluate the costs of staying in such a relationship, talk about his hurt to an objective person who can help him break through the denial, and find a way to transform his suffering into meaning.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has gone through some type of betrayal. It has the skills that will help a survivor finally break free.

Yu/stan/kema

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1 Carnes, Ph.D. Patrick J. 1997. The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Deerfield Beach, Florida. Health Communications, Inc.

 

Book Review: ” The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships.” Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.

13 Sunday Dec 2015

Posted by in Article., Books, Psychology, Uncategorized

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In The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free Of Exploitive relationships, Dr. Carnes has written an excellent book about betrayal in all areas of life: domestic relationships, the work place, the church, friendships, litigation, schools, kidnapping and hostage situations, and other dysfunctional relationships. Betrayal has many faces: children being abused or neglected in the home, domestic violence, discrimination of employees and the breaking of agreements and promises made by upper management, sexual exploitation of employees, bullying and abuse of students, sexual abuse by church leaders, friends betraying best friends, cheating spouses, police brutality, abuses in the legal system, hostage takers playing mind games with their victims and making promises they don’t keep, and others too numerous to list.

This book is easy to read, understand, and apply to one’s every day life. Dr. Carnes defines betrayal as a breach of trust. A victim finds out he has been lied to, manipulated, or exploited by someone else. What he believed to be true is really false. The betrayer hurts someone who is loyal to him. A bond forms between the two entities. Fear keeps the victim in the relationship because of perceived losses, if he leaves. This can be the loss of a job, money, status, affection, protection, security, long-term relationships, the admiration of others, and the loss of self-respect.

Fear of abandonment as a child makes a person more likely to fall into a betrayal bond later in life. Past trauma can make one more vulnerable to being betrayed. After a while, the needs and well-being of the betrayed is sacrificed for the happiness of the other. Addiction to the betrayal bond can develop. Dr. Carnes writes: “Betrayal becomes trauma when fear and terror are present and the body shifts into an ‘alarm state.’ ” The person betrayed feels unsafe and anxiety is produced as he remains in the relationship. To stay creates pain, to go creates more pain.

Signs that one may be in a betrayal bond are: Constantly trying to explain to the betrayer that the victim is good, not bad;  that it is all the victim’s fault, and shame is felt for failing to live up to the other’s expectations; loss of self-trust and self-esteem; continuing to believe the betrayer will change as promises are still being broken; denial about how bad things are going; lying and justifying the behavior of the betrayer; inability to detach from the relationship that others see as toxic; the betrayal bond is intense and there is an imbalance of power in the relationship; and the victim longs for and misses the relationship after the other has left.

Dr. Carnes believes that if a victim wants to recover from a betrayal bond, he has to: confront his denial; stop lying to himself and others about what is really going on; stop justifying harmful behaviors done by the betrayer; redevelop trust in himself and build trust with others; and learn to let go of the relationship. This is difficult to do if much time, energy and money has been given to the relationship.1 ( Continued in Part Two.)

Yu/stan/kema

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1 Carnes,Ph.D, Patrick J. 1977. The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships. Deerfield Beach, Florida. Health Communications, Inc.