Tag Archives: Betrayal blindness

Book Review: ” Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled.” Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell. Part Two.

27 Thursday Aug 2015

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Freyd and Birrell  emphasize in their book, Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled, that unawareness is useful when information is too dangerous to know. Being blind to betrayal protects us. Our status quo remains the same if we do not know, and making hard decisions is put off for a while. There is a downside to being blind. We risk being revictimized and we risk a loss of self-esteem. Others can be victimized if we do not speak of the betrayal. Shame plays a part in keeping us silent. Telling others is risky, but you take back your power when you do. There is a chance for hope and justice when we speak. Betrayal blindness is not seeing what is in front of our faces. Others can see what we do not. Freyd and Birrell write that “betrayal blindness requires being in the dual state of simultaneously knowing and not knowing something important.”1  The mind does not process the information correctly because the losses are too overwhelming at the time. We need to see the world as a safe place. We need to trust people and we need stability in our lives. It makes sense for us to block awareness.

When children are betrayed, it is usually by being abandoned and left helpless, being rejected, or someone withdrawing love. Betrayal means to a child, ” I am not important, I am a zero in the eyes of others.” Freyd and Birrell  state that the child handles betrayal by turning the blame inward and blaming himself or not allowing himself to be consciously aware something is happening. This allows him to remain attached to the abuser.

Betrayal blindness often occurs in couples where one is unfaithful to the other, writes Freyd and Birrell.. To know is to disrupt the marriage, damage the security of the family, and destroy trust. To know you’ve been betrayed is wanting to withdraw or confront the betrayer. Domestic violence in the home can make these reactions risky.

Freyd and Birrell  state that betrayal blindness also occurs in institutions and society. Some examples I can think of are: working at a job where your contract is not honored, or being harassed by your boss or another employee. To speak up may mean losing your job, making others angry, or to be told you are overreacting. It may be impossible to leave because you have a family to take care of, or you lack skills, so you remain silent and start being blind to survive.  Another example of institutional betrayal is a child, in need of care, is sent to a foster home where she is sexually abused. An example of being betrayed by Society is: You are black. You are told you have equal rights and protection under the law. You are stopped by the police while driving and when you try to explain something to them, you are shot.

Freyd and Birrell do an excellent job in covering the topic of betrayal and how it affects others. I enjoyed reading this book.

Yu/stan/kema

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1 Freyd, Jennifer and Birrell, Pamela. 2013. Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled. Hoboken, New Jersey. John Wiley and Sons, Inc.

Book Review: “Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled,” by Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell. Part One.

26 Wednesday Aug 2015

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This book, on betrayal and how it affects the lives of those who have gone through this kind of trauma, is well-written and interesting to read. It deals not only with the betrayal of children who have been abused by their caregivers, but it also covers betrayals of couples, families, institutions, and society.

Freyd and Birrell write about the reasons why betrayal trauma is so hard to recover from and  how it leaves us with wounds that can last a life-time. The victim deals with the trauma of the event as well as the trauma that occurs to a person’s sense of safety and security, and self-esteem. A victim’s value system is torn upside down and everything he once believed was true is proved to be untrue. Betrayal attacks the very foundation that makes us who we are. It damages our bodies, our minds, and our spiritual beings.

For a child, a parent is there to attend to his needs and do for him what he cannot do for himself. A parent’s job is  to love him, brag on him, be reliable, and trust worthy. A parent teaches a child all about good relationship skills, that the world is a safe place most of the time, and goodness can be found around him. This builds the basic building blocks for a successful life.

When a child is sexually abused, his sense of security, safety, trust, reliability, goodness, and self-identity is severely damaged. He learns that pain occurs often for no good reason, that no one cares for him or his needs, that he needs to be watchful and protect himself any way he can, that he is there to take care of the needs of others, that his body is not his, that evil exists in his world and in his place of refuge, and he is told to not tell, to not cry by the abuser. Down inside, he knows something is wrong so he blames himself for not being good enough, for not being smart enough, or strong enough to get away. It must all be his fault. Somehow, he messed up or this wouldn’t be happening to him.

His perception of his external and internal reality becomes distorted and confusing. If he can’t get away physically, he will take his mind some place away from the abuse. There is damage done to his body and  the normal  development of his sexuality. It would make sense if he feels depressed, anxious, has poor self-esteem, feels confused, acts out his anger and fear, and can’t trust any one. It makes sense that in order to protect himself, he would not withdraw or confront his abuser who is bigger and allocates the resources he needs to keep alive. To deny his reality, to forget what has happened, helps him remain safe and lowers the anxiety. No child wants to see his parent as a monster because that would make him a monster too, so he thinks. There is safety in denial, forgetting, dissociation, and other defensive mechanisms he can use.

The draw back to this, Freyd and Birrell write, is the abused may not be able to discuss the injustice if they continue to forget and deny what happened to them. Freyd and Birrell define betrayal blindness as ” not seeing, systematically, important instances of treachery and injustice being done which ultimately results in negative consequences.” 1 ( Continued in part two).

Yu/stan/kema

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1 Freyd, Jennifer and Birrell, Pamela. 2013. Blind To Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren’t Being Fooled. Hoboken, New Jersey. John Wiley and Sons, Inc.