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REFLECTIONS OF A MINDFUL HEART AND SOUL

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REFLECTIONS OF A MINDFUL HEART  AND SOUL

Category Archives: Books

Books I enjoyed.

A Book Review: ” I Am What the Bible Says I Am.” Jake and Keith Provance.

06 Sunday Jan 2019

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Books, spirituality

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"I Am What the Bible Says I Am.", Authors: Jake and Keith Provance., Being a child of God., Book review by Yu/stan/kema., Characteristics of a child of God., One's self worth and sense of identity.

Jake and Keith Provance wrote an intriguing little book about one’s identity as a child of God. As a human being, a person’s identity is influenced by the people he grew up with such as parents, grandparents, other extended family members, friends, and Church members. Their opinions mattered to him and often became imprinted in his mind and heart for years. His identity was also formed by what he could accomplish or not accomplish and by comparing himself to others to gain a sense of self-worth. Comparing one-self to others can become destructive. His own perceived self-worth often caused him to judge himself more harshly than others judged him.

The authors wrote this book giving us a different perspective on how God sees us. They wrote that when one becomes a child of God by surrendering and believing in Him and telling others he chooses to follow God, he takes on a new identity and God’s Word gives him a set of rules to follow when he becomes new in Christ.

The authors of, I Am What the Bible Says I Am, listed seventeen characteristics one develops as a child of God: A new identity through choice and a commitment to become more like Christ in one’s actions and attitudes; freedom from the past and desires that were not beneficial by relying on God’s strength to help him; strength through God to overcome obstacles with joy; becoming a light for those in darkness by giving them hope things can get better; overcoming anything with God in him and the power of the Holy Spirit; being wanted by God even if he is not perfect because of God’s unconditional acceptance of him; and being chosen by God long before he chose God. A child of God allows God to play an important role in his life.

Jake and Keith Provance wrote: a child of God is forgiven for past, present, and future sins through Christ’s sacrifice and not because of the good works he does; God’s love can’t be taken away or earned; a child of God is an ambassador, God’s representative; he has redemption; he is complete in Christ; he is protected by God; he can conquer anything with God; God wants him to prosper; he is a temple of the Holy Spirit who will teach him all things; and he is rooted in God’s love and His Word.

I Am What the Bible Says I Am is a thin book that is easy to read and understand. It is thought-provoking because one sees so clearly the need for good, loving families in order to help a person become a child of God and believe it. For someone who grows up in an abusive household or neglect, he would have to overcome more obstacles in learning to trust God, and believe he is loved by Him and that his sins can be forgiven.

Yu/stan/kema


Provance, Jake; and Provance, Keith.2017. I Am What the Bible Says I Am. Tulsa, Oklahoma,74170. Word and Spirit Publishing.

 

BOOK REVIEW: ” When God Winks At You. How God Speaks Directly To You Through The Power Of Coincidence.”

19 Saturday Aug 2017

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Books, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

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" When God Winks At You......, Article by Yu/stan/kema., Book review, Coincidence, God, God communicating with us., God may be leaving us messages., Squire Rushnell- author.

Squire Rushnell wrote a book in 2006 about ways God communicates with us through circumstances that occur daily in our own personal lives. The title of the book shortened is: When God Winks At You… We usually think of God communicating with us through prayer or through the Bible.  What if God actually allows events to fall in to place at the same time we have a feeling of sorrow, anger, or fear, and we yearn for comfort or reassurance? What if in a moment of hopelessness or confusion when we are in need of guidance, a person, book, or sermon crosses our path to give us what we need? What if in a moment of dark despair, we hear a sermon on TV, or meet a neighbor on our street who renews our faith in God, or our hope for the future?

Could that make an impact in our lives and change us in ways that are positive and uplifting? Squire shares stories from famous people to illustrate this.

I have learned over the years that events seemed to happen at the same time in my life that became building blocks for creating, “who I am today.” At the age of ten, the courts changed where I lived. I was exposed to good food, clean sheets, a huge library of books, and a safe place to read poems and stories written by famous writers. I started writing shortly after that. I learned values from Henry Van Dyke, William Wordsworth, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austin, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and many more. I was given the opportunity to get a college education, which probably would not have happened if I had not changed residences when I was ten.

Through out my life, I loved to visit bookstores. While browsing, I have had urges to search in a certain section, or pick up a particular book, and know I would find answers to my questions within a book’s pages.  I earned a teacher’s degree and spent four years teaching children who lived across the street in the same children’s home I had lived in at the age of ten. Out of all the schools found in my home town, I was hired to teach in that school. Was it random or part of God’s plan?

Later in life, I married and had a child who would one day go to college and end up working for a company who specializes in making medications to treat a serious illness I acquired after retiring. I never knew I would get ill. He had already been working in this area, before I got ill. Was it random or God’s way of saying, “I’ve got your back?”

Time after time, things like this happen. I can feel bad, and look out and see a Cardinal fly up to my front porch and peer through my living room window at me, when I haven’t seen one for months. I can walk down the street and see a rare flower nodding to me in the wind. Is God communicating with me? I want to believe  that He is.

I just wish when I’m going through difficult times, I could remember to look for the good, the positive, the blessings I do have instead of focusing on what’s negative, or become so overwhelmed by emotions that I’m blind to everything else. I guess that has something to do with being a human being. I have the power to change that, however, if I choose to do so.  Reading this book is a step in the right direction.1

Yu/ stan/kema.


1 Rushnell, Squire.2006. When God Winks At You. How God Speaks Directly To You Through The Power Of Coincidence. Nashville, Tennessee. W. Printing, an imprint of Thomas Nelson.

My Life Seen Through The Lens Of Logotherapy.

19 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Books, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

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Article by Yu/stan/kema., Logotherapy., My life seen through a lens., The meaning of existing., Viktor E Frankl., We have a choice in how we respond to difficult situations.

In looking back over my life, it’s been interesting to see that the concept of Logotherapy played an important part in my life, even though I knew nothing about Viktor Frankl when I was a little girl living in the Heartland of the USA.

I grew up in difficult circumstances, but it was never as hard as experiencing the horrors of a Concentration Camp. Still, I lived the first ten years of my life with parents who were addicted to Vodka, had severe mental health problems, abused their children on a regular basis, and neglected them. Both parents were absent from home most of the time and food was scarce. Five children were left to fend for themselves.

My father was sadistic and treated every one he met with disdain, verbal abuse, and threats. He was characterized by others in the neighborhood as dangerous. He was self-centered, lied on a continual basis, created drama, was unpredictable, and people feared him. He physically abused his family when he felt society was victimizing him.

My mother was an alcoholic, and spent a lot of time in a mental hospital. When she was home, she overdosed on her medications while drinking Vodka. She was abusive and neglected her children by sleeping in bed, oblivious to her environment.

Four of the children dealt with the abuse and neglect by fighting and attacking others, shoplifting, setting fires, disrupting school classrooms, and staying close to home. One of the children dealt with the chaos in a different way.

As a toddler, I learned that Nature could take me places in my mind like nothing else could. Beauty could touch my soul and transform me. I found I could create words in my mind and dance to their rhythm as I traveled the alleys in my neighborhood. I made friends in my travels and we built club houses, played sandlot baseball, told stories, and made rules that later became part of a value system that was different from my family.

At school, I loved books and the excitement of learning new things. I protected other children, and had compassion for those in need. I wanted my life to be different from my parents and siblings. I was young, but I wanted to be much more than I was. Most of all, I wanted my life to have meaning and my existence to matter. I became a problem-solver, set goals for myself, and worked hard to meet them.

When the State removed me at the age of ten, and two of my siblings, they placed us in a Children’s Home. I played outside as much as possible, created space for solitude, set goals for reading books that were available, and wrote poetry on an ongoing basis. By the age of fourteen, I had read hundreds of books on psychiatry. I knew I wanted to help others who had been abused and neglected.

When my siblings ran away, I stayed at the Children’s Home. I bought seeds and planted gardens filled with flowers and tended them. I studied hard, and earned scholarships to go to college. Later, I became a teacher and worked with children who had been abused and neglected.

In the years that followed, I went to graduate school, got a professional degree, and worked as a therapist for thirty years. I retired, and started writing more poetry.

I continue to help others in ways that I can. My value system is still in tact. I have found meaning in my existence over the years. I can see, in looking back, that negative experiences can bring forth good, and that whatever circumstances you find yourself in, you can choose your response to it and become more than you are now. We all want to find meaning  in our existence. We all want to matter. But to accomplish that, we have to take the initiative, and do the hard work it takes to complete the tasks we are meant to do. 1

Yu/stan/kema


1 Frankl, Viktor E. 2006. Man’s Search For Meaning. 25 Beacon Street. Boston, Massachusetts, 02108-2892. Beacon Press.

A Book Review: “Man’s Search For Meaning.” Viktor E. Frankl.

19 Thursday Jan 2017

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A book review, Article by Yu/stan/kema., Author- Viktor E. Frankl, Logotherapy., Man's Search For Meaning., Surviving in Concentration Camps., Turning life's negatives into positives.

Man’s Search For Meaning was written by Viktor Frankl. It is a book about men surviving horrible conditions in the Concentration Camps in Nazi Germany and  what enabled them to keep on living while others died. Viktor spent years in four Concentration Camps in the 1940s and he used his time observing other prisoners like himself enduring the cold weather with little clothing, going without food, working long hours and doing heavy labor, undergoing torture, verbal abuse, and being separated from the people they loved.

What Increased the odds of survival  was having hope in the future and knowing why they wanted to live. Frankl kept himself alive by having hope he would once again see his wife, and he believed he could give much to the world through teaching others the psychological aspects of surviving  the terrors of Concentration Camps. He believed his observations and experiences could help others who were experiencing despair. He created a kind of therapy he called Logotherapy. He believed:

  • Life was not a quest for pleasure or power, but a quest for finding meaning in one’s existence.
  • Prisoners were more likely to survive if they had important work to accomplish, loved ones they cared about and looked forward to seeing in the future, or they found meaning in their suffering.
  • People could lose every thing, and yet retain the ability to choose how they would respond to difficult circumstances.
  • Happiness could be achieved by being dedicated to something greater than oneself.
  • The inmates discovered their inner lives became more intense; they experienced art, nature, and beauty more intensely; humor helped them come through difficulties; pre-occupation with concrete things in the environment helped them cope with pain and loneliness; they took on the responsibility of taking care of each other; how they bore their suffering really mattered; and if they could see a future goal they could look forward to, they could survive.
  • Frankl  found the meaning of life was taking responsibility to find the right answers to problems and fulfilling the tasks that give meaning to one’s existence.
  • Frankl saw mental health as the tension between what one has already achieved and what one still ought to accomplish.

In summary, Viktor Frankl wrote  that man discovers meaning in life by: creating a work or doing a good deed; experiencing something greater through art, nature, and beauty; loving someone; transforming a personal tragedy into a triumph; and turning life’s negatives into something positive.1

I enjoyed reading this book. For such a little book, it packs a powerful message.

Yu/stan/kema


1 Frankl, Viktor E. 2006. Man’s Search For Meaning. 25 Beacon Street. Boston, Massachusetts, 02108-2892. Beacon Press.

A Book Review: The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!” Nancy Jensen and Nathan P. Swink, Ph.D

23 Tuesday Aug 2016

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Article by Yu/stan/kema., Authors: Nancy Jensen, Being an advocate., Book review, depression, Mental health consumers., Nathan P. Swink, Ph.D., The Girl Who Cried "Wolf!"

The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!” is a book about a woman who traveled a long road from being an emotionally abused and physically abused child, to being a mental health consumer who had mental health treatment in both inpatient and outpatient settings, and residential group home placements, and who ended up as an advocate for consumers of mental health services. These consumers needed someone to speak for them and tell society of their needs, thoughts, and emotions while navigating the mental health system. Nancy stepped forward and was determined to be a voice for herself and the other consumers.

This book tells the story, from Nancy Jensen’s  perspective, of her life and the events that led up to her becoming an advocate for those with mental health issues. She describes her childhood and the influences of religion, abuse, family, school, and medical problems which shaped her as an adult.

Nancy had a speech impediment that affected her self-esteem, and her mother struggled with accepting her as she was. She was emotionally and sexually abused in her family as a child. Nancy suffered with severe depression which followed her most of her life.

Nancy moved into a communal house in Newton, Ks. after she found a job and left home. She moved back and forth between Kansas and Colorado many times, had multiple jobs, had problems in relationships, and then decided to live at the Kaufman House in Newton, Ks. The Director of the treatment facility was Arlan Kaufman, a Clinical Social Worker. Linda Kaufman, an R.N., worked with him. It was a residential facility for people who had mental health issues. Nancy said she experienced abuse there. She later stepped forward and told others what had happened, but no one did anything. She ended up hospitalized. She felt no one was listening to her. The book goes on to describe more hospitalizations, multiple marriages, having a child, and her continuing struggle with depression.

Many years later, she heard Arlan Kaufman and his wife, Linda, had been arrested for fraud, enslaving residents, and other types of abuse at the Kaufman House. There was a court trial at which Nancy gave testimony. The Kaufman’s were convicted and sent to prison.

Nancy went on with her life, and became involved in helping  legislation get passed in Kansas that would require Social and Rehabilitation Services to report complaints of abuse, or exploitation. If problems arose, an oversight office would follow through with it. Nancy became a Certified Peer Specialist, and she worked at the Center for Community Support and Research at Wichita State University. She collaborated with Nathan Swink, Ph.D. in Community Psychology, who helped her write her story.

This is a book which shows how depression can affect an individual’s life, but it also shows what hard work, appropriate treatment, determination, and good support systems can achieve in helping mental health consumers meet goals in life and become productive members in society. All it takes is one person reaching out to help another.

Yu/stan/kema

—————————————————————————————————                 Jensen, Nancy; and Swink, Ph.D., Nathan P. 2013. The Girl Who Cried “Wolf!”  Middletown, DE. Made in the USA.

Book Review: “Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life.” Tom Holmes, Ph.D With Lauri Holmes, MSW.

05 Sunday Jun 2016

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Article by Yu/stan/kema., Internal Family Systems Therapy., Lauri Holmes, MFA., MSW, Ph.D., Psychology., Sharon Eckstein, The Parts Model of therapy., Thich Nhat Hanh, Tom Holmes

Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life is a fascinating book that illustrates the work done in Internal Family Systems Therapy. The Parts Model combines the IFS Model of therapy with the teachings of a Buddhist teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh. Tom Holmes, with Lauri Holmes integrate a client’s ideal of spirituality into psychotherapy using the Parts Work Model. Sharon Eckstein, MFA illustrates this model with illustrations that are eye-catching and entertaining. The book can be read easily by professionals and clients.

Tom and Lauri Holmes write that we all have different parts that exist within us that are shifting states of mind. Each part can contain a set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur often in a pattern. These parts can be less defined or more defined in an individual. When trauma occurs, it tends to develop more strongly defined parts. Tom also states that a state of mind called “Self ” exists in an individual. A skilled therapist trained in the Parts Work Model can teach the ” Self  to take charge of the energy of these different mind sets within an individual so that a more balanced and effective life can be achieved. This is the goal of Parts Work.

Tom believes that severe trauma can cause certain parts to split off from consciousness and out of awareness of other parts and act independently, therefore creating an imbalance in how the individual functions in life. The goal of Parts Work, according to Tom Holmes, Ph.D is to get the ” Self” to help all the parts get to know each other, understand each other, and work together for the common good. The ” Self ” comes to the Center and acts as a conductor, bringing out the best in each of the parts to bring harmony and balance to the individual’s psychological system. Through understanding, integrating, and accepting all parts, harmony can occur. The “Self ” is able to transform the system. The “Self” becomes centered within. Some call it ” Wise Mind ” or “Mindfulness.”

The “Self ”  observes the different parts, works on the parts to accept each other, organizes the system, and creates a positive environment where negotiation, compromises, and goals can be worked out so the psychological system operates at maximum effectiveness over time. Sharon Eckstein illustrates the mind as a circle. The top part is consciousness and the bottom half is the unconscious where all the parts hang out. The top part of the circle is like a living room where hopefully the “Self” sits. Any part can show up spontaneously or the “Self” can invite any part that wants or needs to come to the living room to talk or even listen. That’s where Internal Family Systems Therapy is done with who ever is present.

This book is well worth the read. The pictures do a good job of showing how the Parts Work Model  is done.

Yu/stan/kema

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Holmes,Ph.D,Tom; Holmes,MSW, Lauri;  and  Eckstein, MFA, Sharon. 2007.  Parts Work : An Illustrated Guide To Your Inner Life. Highpointe Dr. Kalamazoo, MI 49008. Winged Heart Press.                  .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review: “My Precious Child. Affirmations for the Child Within.” Mary L. Williams.

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Books, Photos, Psychology, quote, Stories

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"My Prcious Child. Affirmations for the Child Within.", Book review, Children books., Internalized messages., List of books to read., Mary L. Williams., Pinterest photos., Positive Affirmations., Reading to the Child within., Sara Hadenfeldt.

This book was written by Mary L. Williams. It is a small, thin book of positive statements that parents can read to their children. The messages can be easily internalized by children as messages they can carry with for the rest of their lives. Adults, who have been abused or neglected as children, can gain some benefit by reading these affirmations to the Child within themselves, as a tool to increase their self-esteem. The illustrations in the book are quite beautiful.

Reading to oneself can be a healing experience, especially if done repeatedly over time. One of the affirmations used in the book is:

“You don’t have to be perfect. I still love you, even when you make mistakes.”1

It is a wonderful message for a child to internalize. Take the time to read it. The book has a way of attaching itself to the inside corners of your heart.

Other books that can soothe, comfort, or increase self-esteem are listed below:

  1. Found on Pinterest on 3-22-16.

    Found on Pinterest on 3-22-16.

    The Little Prince. Antoine De Saint-Exupery.

  2. The Velveteen Rabbit. Margery Williams.
  3. Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You. Nancy Tillman.
  4. I Love You To The Moon And Back. Illustrated by Tim Warnes.
  5. I Love You Night And Day. Smriti Prasadam-Halls. Illustrated by Alison Brown.
  6. On The Night You Were Born. Nancy Tillman.
  7. God Bless You Night And Day. Hannah C. Hall; Illustrated by Steve Whitlow.
  8. I Love You As Big As The World. David Van Buren. Illus. by Tim Warnes.
  9. On The Day You Were Born. Debra Frasier.
  10. Forest Child. Marni McGee. Illus. by A. Scott Banfill.
  11. You’re Here For A Reason. Nancy Tillman.
  12. Follow The Moon. Sarah Weeks. Illus. by Suzanne Duranceau.
  13. If I Could Keep You Little. Marianne Richmond.

Yu/stan/kema

Found on Pinterest on 2-11-16. Sara Hadenfeldt. All Boy.

Found on Pinterest on 2-11-16. Sara Hadenfeldt. All Boy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1 Williams, Mary L. 1991. My Precious Child. Affirmations for the Child Within. Deerfield Beach, Florida. Health Communications, Inc.

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review: ” Eve. A Novel.” Wm. Paul Young.

28 Sunday Feb 2016

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Books, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

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Adam and Eve., Book review by Yu/stan/kema, Book: Eve. A Novel., Man has a choice., Man's relationship to God. Trust, Psychology., Spiritual Journey., The Creation, Wm. Paul Young- author.

Eve. A Novel, written by Wm. Paul Young, is a delightful book to read. As with all books we read, we bring who we are to the table to read it. We find knowledge and meaning in what we ingest. This is my personal take on this book.

Eve is allegorical in nature and lyrically written by the Author who writes beautifully, and whose words dance and almost sing on the pages of the book. It is a tale about a woman, Lilly, who is found after washing up on a shore inside a metallic container with other women who are found dead. She is the only survivor and is physically, emotionally, and spiritually broken by the abuses she has endured in her childhood and up to her being found. She is shackled by a past she can’t remember and which fills her with shame. She is cautious, fearful, confused, and sometimes angry, but has no idea why.

It is a book that operates on different dimensions of time and space. The story moves back and forth through the past, the present, and the future. One gets the sense that Lilly’s soul moves free from her  body and travels in search of meaning and healing while her body is being treated for her physical injuries.

Lilly is filled with self- doubt, and helplessness. She has lost her purpose for living and her world has been turned upside down. She feels damaged as a human being, unworthy to even exist, and feels she does not belong anywhere. She is found and is nursed back to life by a group of people who are kind and caring. and patient. One member is deceptive and causes problems for Lilly, Simon.

Lilly meets Eve, a black woman, who tells Lilly she is her mother. The book also tells Eve’s story. Eve is presented as the mother of all, and becomes a guide, a mentor to Lilly. Lilly, Eve said, was sent to witness the Creation, God making Adam and then Eve,  watching their relationship with God, and witnessing how they both turned away from God. She observes the coming of evil in the form of a serpent, and sees how God handles it all.

At first Lilly rejects Eve, is distant from the people who are helping her, and is angry at God for not protecting her from abuse in the past. She let’s everyone know she is not religious, does not trust anyone, and she rejects her purpose for being there.

Eve proceeds cautiously with Lilly. She gives her support, comfort, caring, and helps her face her fears. She accepts all of the negative feelings Lilly has toward herself, others, and God. Eve encourages her to take one step at a time, to take risks, and become more confident in her ability to remember and handle her past.  Lilly learns she can be her real self without fear of being judged or punished. She strives to find out who she once was, who she is now, in the present, and what she is to become.

Eve, the book, describes beautifully the Creation of the universe, Adam, and Eve, and their relationship with God. The words of Mr. Young are so descriptive and amazing that the reader yearns to connect with God in a more personal, face-to-face way.

God tells Lilly He loves Her and wants a real relationship with her. She is told man is given a choice to trust in Him to make good on His promises, or man can turn away and trust only in himself. He tells Lilly that Trust is about relationships, not power.1

I highly recommend reading Eve. It will make you think about God, relationships, your relationship to God, and your purpose for being here on earth.

Yu/stan/kema

__________________________________________________________________

1 Young, Wm. Paul.2015. Eve. A Novel. New York, New York.10020. Howard Books, An Imprint of Simon and Schuster, Inc.

Book Review (continued), Part Three. “The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.”

14 Monday Dec 2015

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Article by Yu/stan/kema., Book review- Part Three (conclusion)., Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., Skills needed to break free of a destructive relationship., The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.

In his book, Dr. Carnes discusses five realities about trauma bonds: Trauma bonds have multiple coping styles alongside them; Trauma bonds can be a life-long pattern of relating to others; Trauma bonds are durable and can last forever; They can happen to any one; and Trauma bonds are not always bad, but they are about survival.

He states that in betrayals there is a promise to fix, to heal, to resolve, or to make up for what has happened. He lists five main ways promises are used to betray others. Dr. Carnes discusses eleven ways betrayal bonds are made stronger. This is a very interesting section of the book.

He writes that in addictive relationships, for most people, there was an original trauma that occurred. Compulsive behaviors often began after the original trauma, such as compulsive masturbation, or compulsive care-taking of the abuser to keep his emotions controlled, and to lower the survivor’s anxiety. Reality was distorted and trauma solutions were used in such a way to keep the relationship going.

Dr Carnes writes that to get well, the survivor has to gain insight into how he got into such a relationship,  and identify the triggers or characteristics the betrayer had that caused him to bond in the first place, even pin-pointing the original trauma. The survivor has to look at the trauma solutions he is currently using and ask himself if they are causing more problems and chaos in his life than being helpful. He has to focus on the immediate source of the chaos. When the survivor stops using the trauma solutions that are no longer working for him, the denial and repression fade away. He is able to see reality as it really exists instead of what he hopes it will one day become if he works hard enough to make it happen. The true reality becomes frightening to him. He becomes aware how  high the cost has been to stay in the relationship. He begins to look at the possibility of leaving it and what losses that will entail. This becomes the beginning of the grief process. He no longer has the old strategies to cope with the loss and pain. His relationship has been bound in secrecy, shame, and betrayal. He has carried it on his back alone.

Anger will enable him to destroy the secrecy and dissolve his loyalty to the betrayer. Opening up, becoming honest about the relationship, revealing the shame inherent in it, to a therapist or a support group can help expose the relationship for what it really is.

Dr. Carnes describes in great detail how to break free of the betrayal bond. He offers several tools in his book for helping someone who wants to break free. He takes one through the recovery process step by step. The survivor will be able to recognize compulsive patterns he is using, pinpoint the trauma solutions he needs to avoid, evaluate the costs of staying in such a relationship, talk about his hurt to an objective person who can help him break through the denial, and find a way to transform his suffering into meaning.

I strongly recommend this book to anyone who has gone through some type of betrayal. It has the skills that will help a survivor finally break free.

Yu/stan/kema

———————————————————————————————————

1 Carnes, Ph.D. Patrick J. 1997. The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Deerfield Beach, Florida. Health Communications, Inc.

 

Book Review (Continued), Part Two: “The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships.”

14 Monday Dec 2015

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Article by Yu/stan/kema., betrayals., Book review-Part Two., P.h.D., Patrick J. Carnes, Survivors of Trauma., The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships., trauma, Trauma coping styles.

According to Dr. Carnes, a long period of betrayal can place a great amount of stress on the body which then spews forth an excessive amount of adrenalin and affects the electrical reactivity of synapses in the brain. This often causes damage to the brain. Trauma can be seen as minor yet occur on a daily basis which takes a toll on the body. Major traumas can cause havoc on the body, mind, and soul such as the Holocaust, childhood incest by both parents,  betrayals that take place in long-term treasured relationships, and betrayals that take place during a war.

Dr. Carnes describes in great detail the ways trauma can effect people through out a life-time. This part of the book is well worth the read. He writes about: Trauma reactions which can occur when something in the present triggers past betrayal and traumatic events so that the survivor under-reacts or over-reacts in his response to it; Trauma arousal can occur and feelings can be hard to control. Both emotion and behavior can intensify and cause problems in living. Fear and danger can increase arousal which can become addictive in nature and in some cases lead to excessive sexual activity or violence. Certain types of people or events can set the arousal in motion so that trauma bonding occurs more easily; Trauma blocking occurs  when the survivor needs to escape from uncomfortable feelings and does some activity excessively to block out past trauma. Such activities can entail compulsive eating, watching T.V. for hours, excessive sleeping, drinking, drugs, and excessive exercising; Trauma Splitting occurs when a survivor becomes over-whelmed by emotions and trauma and escapes by creating an un-reality, fantasizing, or dissociating.

Trauma abstinence occurs when a survivor needs to escape his memories and feelings through impoverishment. He deprives himself of things that could bring happiness such as food, money, social activities, medical care, sleep, and other needs. Past neglect is often involved in trauma abstinence. Trauma shame  can happen when betrayal or trauma has lasted for years. The survivor feels defective or at fault and blames himself for what has happened. He comes to see himself as unlovable. He tends to set unrealistic expectations for himself which results in more shame, self-hatred, and often self-destructive behavior.

Dr. Carnes describes Trauma repetition as a survivor who repeats behaviors or unconsciously seeks situations or people who recreate the original trauma in an attempt to find resolution to it. Another form of trauma repetition is for a survivor to do to someone else what was done to him in order to bring resolution to a traumatic memory. Forming Trauma bonds occur when a survivor becomes attracted to, and attached to someone who continues to break promises or act in abusive ways towards him. He remains loyal out of fear or danger. Shame and fear of failure keep him in the relationship. Fear of losing the relationship keeps him engaged even when he no longer trusts the betrayer. (Continued in Part Three).1

Yu/stan/kema

——————————————————————————————————

1 Carnes, Ph.D., Patrick J. 1997. The Betrayal Bond. Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Deerfield Beach, Florida. Health Communications, Inc.

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