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REFLECTIONS OF A MINDFUL HEART AND SOUL

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REFLECTIONS OF A MINDFUL HEART  AND SOUL

Monthly Archives: October 2015

Why I Write About Trauma and Pain As Well As Joy In Life.

31 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Article., Photos, Psychology, Quotes, spirituality

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Article by Yu/stan/kema., Brene Brown., goodlifequoteru.com., Helping others., Pinterest picture quotes, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder., Primary Immune Deficiency Disorder., Reasons for writing this blog., Self-growth., Side effects from IVG., Spiritual Journey.

Found on Pinterest on 10-30-15. Brene Brown.

Found on Pinterest on 10-30-15. Brene Brown.

Most people who know me on a personal level, would say  I’ve been a very private person for most of my life. It wasn’t until I was in my middle thirties, that I shared with one other I had  lived in a Children’s Home and even then, what I relayed was very little, in a therapeutic encounter . The earlier years of my childhood I discussed reluctantly, some years later. It too was limited. Very few people ever asked.

For years, I searched for personal articles and books written by people who had navigated the foster care system and found little that discussed the trauma they had experienced, or how it affected their adulthood. Care providers wrote some on the subject, but they did not live it. There was stigma attached to living in a children’s home, talking about one’s trauma and abuse, and to some degree, there still is stigma attached to “having depression or anxiety.” I wrote about it in my poetry and in my journal, but that was kept private. It has just been within the last two years that I have discussed experiences from those years in more detail or in things I had written during that period of time. I was adjusting to the idea of retirement and wanted to grow psychologically and spiritually. Part of my search for growth entailed having therapy to understand myself more, and I’ve read many books and articles in the last few years on child abuse and trauma. It has been helpful and I have grown. I also wanted to share some of my knowledge and skills I’ve learned with others who had experienced trauma. I wanted to educate people who were fortunate to have supportive childhoods about trauma so they could understand better the struggles of those who had been abused. My goal was to give survivors of abuse another resource for healing.

Found on Pinterest on 10-30-15.

Found on Pinterest on 10-30-15. goodlifequoteru.com.

A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with a serious illness while in the hospital recuperating from pneumonia. It is a rare disease that usually shows up in early childhood. For some reason, it lay dormant in me until I got sick with pneumonia. Very little is known about this disease and people who have it have just started to talk more openly about it. My treatment consists of being hooked up to an IV for about eight hours a day every other week in an Infusion Center in a hospital with other people who are battling cancer, multiple sclerosis,  and other immune and auto- immune disorders. There are unpleasant side effects.

They infuse a solution filled with antibodies into my body to try and raise my body’s defenses against other illnesses in the community. There is fatigue, at times severe, nausea, muscle spasms, blood clots, and other side effects. It drains the body and one’s spirit. Getting IVs  placed in my arm  and laying still for eight hours each infusion day is no picnic. Depression is common. Isolation is advised when others in the community are ill so that their diseases ( flu, pneumonia, childhood diseases,etc.) are not passed on to me. This is something I have to do every other week for the rest of my life.

Very few people understand how disruptive a Primary Immune Deficiency Disease can be. It affects the lifestyle of those who have it. It interrupts their daily routine, and can limit their social activities as well. The public needs to be more educated about diseases of the immune system. These diseases will be more prevalent, I believe, because of all the toxins in the environment. I have good days and bad days. Each infusion is different in how it affects the body. The antibodies come from donors which also carry risks.

I have decided to be open about this for my self-growth and to help others who are having to deal with a chronic illness. Past trauma in childhood is triggered with each infusion,  causing PTSD symptoms. I  have to admit that this illness affects me more than any other trauma I have had. There are days it kicks my behind. There are also days when I come out on top. If, in writing this blog, I help one person who has this disease, who  has been abused in childhood, or has been through foster care, then I will have accomplished my purpose here. This illness has also led to a spiritual quest in me.

Yu/stan/kema

The Truth About Living.

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Photos, Psychology, Quotes, spirituality

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Courage comes from being real., Jackson Kiddard., Life has both good and difficult days., Pinterest Quotes, Sharing brings forth understanding and acceptance., Sue Monk Kidd, Truth about living., Your stories and life experiences can help heal others.

Found on Pinterest on 10-25-15.

Found on Pinterest on 10-25-15. Jackson Kiddard

When I was young, I believed true courage was accepting whatever life threw your way. That life was filled with good experiences and difficult times, and a brave man suffered in silence, did not complain, or let the world know his fears, his hurts, or disappointments,  but rather he kept his chin up and showed  the world a calm, confident, humorous face. I believed that one should always be aware of his blessings, think positive thoughts, and fight his battles alone.

I believed  stories should be kept secret if they contained elements of violence, emotional abuse, or had subject matter that had a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable, anxious , or depressed. I felt my job was to help others, and bring joy to the world by not needing anything, not burdening any one, but rather live a life of self-sacrifice.

I was young, full of enormous strength, a strong will, excellent health, an analytic mind, and I was a problem solver. I had developed the face of a poker player. My feelings, thoughts, my life belonged only to me. There was nothing I couldn’t learn or handle. I had a good job, made a decent salary, was able to buy some things I wanted, and I had a family of my own. I thought I was invincible. The years passed. Life happened.

I experienced loss after loss, and kept my sadness, sorrow,  and grief hidden. I found new ways to cope. Some worked and some did not. I entered therapy and learned to communicate more effectively. I learned a lot about myself and other people. I confronted my fears, my grief; processed losses, became more aware of my strengths and weaknesses; was able to share my stories; and learned how to talk about my own emotions and thoughts.

I found out emotions don’t last forever and they change; thoughts and perceptions change with experience; and that if you think a thought, you are not that thought. Feelings won’t kill you and expressing them to others can heal you. Secrets have a tendency to pop out when you least expect them to. I learned you have to confront the past to keep it from controlling you; and relationships take hard work.

I found out the world heals when stories are told, and barriers can be torn down when differences are understood and accepted, and similarities are embraced. People need someone who knows where they are coming from,  and who has experience and knowledge about what is happening inside them. People need feedback when they are trying to find out who they are and what they are. People need genuine caring from others; and most important, people need to be accepted and respected when they are going through difficult times as well as good times.

Life is a mixture of joy and sorrow, courage and fear, closeness and distance, hope and despair, faith and uncertainty, anger and love, venting feelings and taking action, and life and death. The world needs people who can be honest about their feelings and thoughts, and who can relate to others as human beings with the same weaknesses and strengths. It takes rare courage to share your real self with others, but growth can come from doing so and others can receive healing from your stories and experiences.

Found on Pinterest on 10-27-15. Sue Monk Kidd.                                                                                                            Written by Sue Monk Kidd.

   Yu/stan/kema

Will You Remember Me?

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in photo, Poetry, spirituality

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

death, Google+. Sarasota Bay., Google+photo., Remembering those who have died., Rick Schwartz, Waiting in heaven.

G+.found on 10-27-15. Sarasota Bay. Rick Schwartz.

G+.found on 10-27-15. Sarasota Bay. Rick Schwartz.

If I should go before you,

And leave you behind,

Not because I want to,

It’s part of God’s design,

Will I still exist,

In the corners of your mind?

Will the love I felt for you

Still be in your heart?

Remember, I liked you

From the very start.

Or will the pain of my death

Rip us  apart?

Will my words and laughter

Ring with in your ears

And will you still remember

I wiped away your tears?

Will the things we shared,

Be erased in future years?

You need to remember,

Put away your foolish pride.

I will still be waiting 

On the other side.

When I see you coming,

My arms will open wide.

Yu/stan/kema

The Purity Of Love And Sacrifice.

26 Monday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in photo, Poetry, quote, spirituality

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

God's Sacrifice., Isaiah 41:10, Pinterest photo quote., Poetry of Yu/stan/kema., Pure Love., Redemption., Self-Sacrifice.

Found on Pinterest on 10-19-15.

Found on Pinterest on 10-19-15. Isaiah 41:10

There was a time

When I believed

In the purity

Of love

Like Jesus did.

I believed

Pure love

Was

A living thing

That breathed

Inside

Every person’s

Heart and soul;

A thing that

Changed

The way

One saw:

A bad man

As good

Because of

God’s redemption;

That everyone

could become

Much more

Than He was

Before,

More real

To God,

Himself,

And other people.

All it took

Was someone’s

Strong desire

To transcend

The limits of space

And search the stars

For One

Who could believe

In the best

Within

The human heart,

That sacrifice

Was worth the cost

Of saving

Each man’s soul.

Yet I find,

Living in

This world

Of shadows

And hypocrisy,

Even the

Strongest heart

Can break

In it’s search

For pure love

And  self-sacrifice.

YU/stan/kema

A Talk With God.

26 Monday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Photos, Poetry, spirituality

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Amany Basel., Child versus woman., communication with God., faith, Finding it again., God, Google+ photo., Loss of faith., Pinterest photos., poetry by Yu/stan/kema, spirituality

Found on Pinterest on 10-19-15

Found on Pinterest on 10-19-15

Found on Pinterest on 10-10-15.

Found on Pinterest on 10-10-15.

There must be times when You,

Just want to turn away..

But tonight I’m asking You,

Hear what I’ve got to say:

“When I was just a child,

My faith was bigger far

Than any other thing on earth,

Perhaps, a shooting star.

I played  out by the flowers.

I played out by the sea.

I ran with Mother West Wind

Who brought Your voice to me.

I knelt among the oak trees.

I strained to hear the birds.

How sweet a lullaby for me,

Although You used no words.

I climbed up in the mountains.

There dwells Your Spirit, free.

I felt the soft hands of the rain

Caress my cheeks through Thee.

Found on Google+ on 6-8-15. AmanyBasel. Calm, Peaceful Place.

Found on Google+ on 6-8-15. Amany Basel. Calm, Peaceful Place.

Then I became a woman,

And failed my lessons well.

I walked  away from heaven 

Where you are known to dwell.

When living in the city

A doubt began to grow.

Was there a God

Who walked with me

Not so long ago?

Did I dream it all up, then.

Or were You truly real?

It’s such a shameful thing to say,

 Dear God,

It’s how I feel.

I need to be a little child

Like I was once before,

To help me see and realize

To what degree I’m poor.

Tonight, I’m really hoping

Somehow You’ll understand,

When I get my faith back,

I’ll reach up for Your hand.

You know I’m just a sinner.

Tonight, I hope you heard

What’s really hiding in my heart.

Need I write another word?”

Yu/stan/ kema (age 32) 

Reliability In Friendship Is Important To The Heart.

25 Sunday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in photo, Poetry, spirituality

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

friendship, God as our friend., Pinterest photo, poetry by Yu/stan/kema, Pride., Reliability.

Found on Pinterest on 7-3-15.

Found on Pinterest on 7-3-15.

WHO IS RELIABLE?

I searched the whole world for friends

And found so few it made me sigh

That such rich relationships

Must go unborn before I die.

It seemed so cruel that human pride

Could cut the dearest friend on earth

And cause such heart-wrung agony

Over pain that’s given birth.

Such is human reasoning,

The thoughtlessness of most mankind.

Yet, there is God, who is our friend;

Whose love cannot be left behind.

Yu/stan/kema (At age 25)

Sharing Poems I Liked In Childhood, #15. ” For Those Who Fail.”

24 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Photos, Poetry, spirituality

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Failure., Google+ photo., Hiroe Yonetas, Never quit., Pinterest photo, poetry by Joaquin Miller

” All honor to him, who shall win the fight,”

The world has cried for a thousand years,

But to him who tries and who fails and dies,

I give great honor and glory and tears;

Give glory and honor and pitiful tears

To all who fail in their deeds sublime;

Their ghosts are many in the wan of years,

They were born with time in advance of time.

Found on Google+ on 10-22-15. Hiroe Yonetas photos.

Found on Google+ on 10-22-15. Hiroe Yonetas photos.

Oh! great is the hero who wins a name,

But greater many and many a time

Some pale-faced fellow who dies in shame

And let’s God publish the thought sublime.

And great is the man with the sword undrawn, 

And good is the man who refrains from wine,

But the man who fails and yet still fights on,

Lo, he is a twin brother of mine.

JOAQUIN MILLER

Found on Pinterest on 10-16-15

Found on Pinterest on 10-16-15

Yu/stan/kema

The Hardest Thing In Life.

23 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Photos, Poetry, Psychology

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

changes, Difficulties in Life., Effects of change on people., Pinterest photos., poetry by Yu/stan/kema

Found on Pinterest 10-21-15.

Found on Pinterest 10-21-15.

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing in life

Is when people change.

It upsets our security

And causes some strife

When we try to rearrange

The concepts in our brain.

It causes  such confusion,

We whirl ourselves in space

To try to grab more tightly

To the memories we trace.

We create a delusion

In order to save face.

But stark, cold reality 

Is so hard to wipe out,

The pain comes slowly,

And creates a lot of doubt

That causes a fatality

Of the human heart.

Not all change is bad.                                                                          

Found on Pinterest on 10-20-15.

Found on Pinterest on 10-20-15.

It can cause us to grow

In to better human beings

More than we know.

Change can make us glad

Or  bring the heart low.

Yu/stan/kema

Spiritual Journey Towards Heaven.

22 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in photo, Poetry, Psychology, spirituality, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

death, Google+photo., Hans-Juergen-Werner, heaven, Landscape photography, poetry by Yu/stan/kema, Preparation., Spiritual Journey., Walking life's road

Found on G+ on 10-22-15. Hans-Juergen-Werner. Spiritual Paths. Landscape Photography.

Found on G+ on 10-22-15. Hans-Juergen-Werner. Spiritual Paths. Landscape Photography.

As I walk a   winding road

That leads to heaven’s gate,

Sunlight sits upon my shoulder,

Warms me as I wait.

Soon, the nights  grow colder.

Friends have died along the way.

Family ties have

unraveled,

No one ever

seems to stay.

Many are the miles

I’ve traveled,

And my spirit

grows  meek.

Faith has brought

me to a river

As my body

becomes  weak.

Here I shed my

 hurts and losses

That have

devastated me.

 

We all carry

 crosses,

That cause 

us misery.

We want to

break away

In an effort

To be free.

We seek the

peaceful places

To prepare

for a new birth,

And leave behind

this planet

Others call earth,

To stand before

God’s graces.

 

I’m in the process

Of leaving

All my sorrows

behind,

And memories

I’ve carried

In the corners

of my mind.

For it’s been

too long,

I’ve tarried.

Yu/stan/kema

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Where God Is.

22 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by Yu/stan/kema in Photos, Poetry, spirituality

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

God in Nature., Google+ photos, poetry by Yu/stan/kema, Presence of God., Ray Bilcliff, Wasim Muklashy photography.as

Paintography of the Grass76. by Ray Bilcliff. Seen on Google+ on 12-4-14

Paintography of the Grass. by Ray Bilcliff. Seen on Google+ on 12-4-14

God cannot be kept within four walls.

The sky is the ceiling of God’s Temple.

The grass is the floor.

Goldenrod and chicory are a part of His Shrine,

A vision of His soul.

Trees are the unlimited boundaries of God’s Chapel.

The mountains portray God’s strength.

Found on Google + on 10-8-15. Wasim Muklashy Photography. Yosomite. California.

Found on Google + on 10-8-15. Wasim Muklashy Photography. Yosemite. California.

The wind brings forth the presence of God

Which is both a caress and a prayer.

Nature is God’s pulpit.

Listen! He speaks!

God kneels and utters His prayer for all mankind.

Yu/stan/kema (age 20)

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