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Relationships

Relationships are the very center of our existence. We learn as infants to depend on certain people to hold us when we cry and to give us food when we are hungry. We find safety in those who care for us and we develop trust  that these important people will not harm us.

The family system teaches us throughout our lives what to expect from others and how to act  towards those we come in contact with. We are taught either to trust people, to avoid people, or to detach from them, depending upon the experiences we had growing up. We learn what sounds indicate safety and which instill fear. We study gestures, read facial cues to decide if there is acceptance or rejection waiting for us. Every sound and movement is ingrained in all the senses of our being. These remnants from the past vine themselves tightly around our emotional selves, and our thoughts. Because our  emotional and physical survival depends on how well we pick up cues, we may over react if we sense danger is near or for some reason, we convince ourselves the threat is real. Every person we meet and interact with feeds the growing body of evidence whether people can be trusted. We also learn how to defend our fragile psyches and our bodies against unbearable pain.

We may choose isolation from others in order to prevent any one from ever getting close enough to hurt us again. We may defend ourselves by cutting off our own needs, and become focused on pleasing those in our environment in order to become valuable enough so that we can protect ourselves to some degree, but in doing so, we sacrifice our own right to be ourselves and we neglect our needs in always putting others first. We may even decide to defend ourselves first, and so we become aggressive, abusive or manipulative, and we vow to ourselves to destroy others before they get the chance to destroy us. So much of what we learned in the early years can influence our level of happiness in life or how miserable we become.

The good news is, we can educate ourselves or get therapeutic help so we can learn what defenses we are using and why, and be able to come up with strategies to change the outcomes in our relationships. We will need to look at the roles we play in family dynamics, to look at our own motives for doing things, and be honest with ourselves whether or not what we do and say is harming the person we are in relationship with or is it beneficial?

We all want warm, fuzzy relationships, those which make us laugh, and those that inspire us to climb to greater heights than we believed possible. Those relationships that tear down our self-esteem or rob us of our need for self-expression, or take away our personal power so essential to growth, must be examined and winnowed out when necessary.

Most of us yearn to feel love and to be given to, but a part of us also yearns to grow in relationship with others. There exists inside of each of us the need to be something more, not only in another person’s eyes, but in our own eyes as well. That will require from us honest self-examination, self-sacrifice, the willingness to communicate feelings, thoughts, values, and beliefs as well as the ability to negotiate needs. When these types of relationships become a part of our lives, they bring joy, hope for tomorrow, and at times. we are even able to touch the heart and mind of God.

Yu/stan/kema